Member Comments are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! MedHelp International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any comments posted on this site, or the content and/or accuracy of such exchanges. MedHelp International does not endorse the views of any user.
Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
16yr old boy constant lying
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
|
16yr old boy constant lying
by kelly, Jun 10, 2000 12:00AM
Let me start out by saying my 16yr old step-son, Ryan, is for the most part a great kid. He maintains a 4.0 GPA, belongs to many school groups, a member of the basketball team, he hangs out with a really good group of kids and has never been in touble with the police (other than a problem with speeding, but he has slowed down now). :)
We have always had a problem with him lying tho, we have never been very strict on him. As long as he keeps his grades up and does his chores around the house...we allow him to hang out with his friends and pretty much stay "on the go". Ryan will be the first to admit that we do not impose alot of rules on him. We find him lying about things that he would have never had to lye to us about to begin with. He has been dating this girl for about 8 months now. She is a very sweet girl from a very nice family and she, like Ryan, is also very active in school actives, sports and keeps her grades up. She is also a very active member of teen groups against smoking, drinking and drug use...which, of course, makes us feel even better about this relationship. Every since Ryan has started dated her, his lying and sneaking around has worsened by 100%. He is so "in love" that all he can think about is spending every waking moment with this girl. We do know that they are sexually active and we have had a talk with both of them about birth control. We don't really think we are going to have a problem in that area. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Ryan was grounded, from a previous lie, and was only in his 3rd day of "detention". He was supposed to work from 4pm to 10pm (he works at a local grocery store). We found out about 8pm that he was not at work and that he had called in sick. We, of course, found him at "girlfriend's" house. He says that he just does not think ahead and that he tries not to lye, but that he ends up just 'doing it'.
Sorry this is sooo long. This is just one example of what has been happening since he has started dating this girl. We have told him that we do not blame her...that it is HE that does not have any self control or self discipline. This has totally disrupted our household and we are at our wits end. We can not continue to live like this...we can not trust him as far as we can throw him.
I guess my question really is... how can we help him to learn self control when it comes to this girl? How can we help him realize that he has family and other things in life also and that he can not revolve his life (and our lives) around this girl?
We have always had a problem with him lying tho, we have never been very strict on him. As long as he keeps his grades up and does his chores around the house...we allow him to hang out with his friends and pretty much stay "on the go". Ryan will be the first to admit that we do not impose alot of rules on him. We find him lying about things that he would have never had to lye to us about to begin with. He has been dating this girl for about 8 months now. She is a very sweet girl from a very nice family and she, like Ryan, is also very active in school actives, sports and keeps her grades up. She is also a very active member of teen groups against smoking, drinking and drug use...which, of course, makes us feel even better about this relationship. Every since Ryan has started dated her, his lying and sneaking around has worsened by 100%. He is so "in love" that all he can think about is spending every waking moment with this girl. We do know that they are sexually active and we have had a talk with both of them about birth control. We don't really think we are going to have a problem in that area. Last night was the straw that broke the camels back. Ryan was grounded, from a previous lie, and was only in his 3rd day of "detention". He was supposed to work from 4pm to 10pm (he works at a local grocery store). We found out about 8pm that he was not at work and that he had called in sick. We, of course, found him at "girlfriend's" house. He says that he just does not think ahead and that he tries not to lye, but that he ends up just 'doing it'.
Sorry this is sooo long. This is just one example of what has been happening since he has started dating this girl. We have told him that we do not blame her...that it is HE that does not have any self control or self discipline. This has totally disrupted our household and we are at our wits end. We can not continue to live like this...we can not trust him as far as we can throw him.
I guess my question really is... how can we help him to learn self control when it comes to this girl? How can we help him realize that he has family and other things in life also and that he can not revolve his life (and our lives) around this girl?
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jun 12, 2000 12:00AM
, Jun 12, 2000 12:00AM
Dear Kelly,
Be thankful you have such a wonderful son. He is smitten with his girlfriend, so preoccupied with her that she's likely the major focus of his attention right now. He'll just want to be careful that he's not acting in a self-defeating way, as he did by skipping work.
I'd manage this in a very straightforward way. First of all, don't give opportunities, if you will, for him to lie. By this I mean to ask him only necessary things about his whereabouts. Second, let him know that honesty will help him achieve his wishes, and that lying is the one thing that will get in the way of his seeing his girlfriend, because you will ground him.
He'll be fine - his track record shows it. He's a responsible, good kid, from what you say. He's in love, and reason sometimes becomes clouded. It's his version of being a teenager, and it doesn't sound like you've got to be alarmed about him.
I'd definitely follow up about his sexual behavior. It would be best, of course, if he was not engaging in intercourse. But, since he appears to be, it's critical he use a condom. Whoever is in a position to discuss this with him should continue to do so. Adolescent hormones can interfere with straight thinking.
Be thankful you have such a wonderful son. He is smitten with his girlfriend, so preoccupied with her that she's likely the major focus of his attention right now. He'll just want to be careful that he's not acting in a self-defeating way, as he did by skipping work.
I'd manage this in a very straightforward way. First of all, don't give opportunities, if you will, for him to lie. By this I mean to ask him only necessary things about his whereabouts. Second, let him know that honesty will help him achieve his wishes, and that lying is the one thing that will get in the way of his seeing his girlfriend, because you will ground him.
He'll be fine - his track record shows it. He's a responsible, good kid, from what you say. He's in love, and reason sometimes becomes clouded. It's his version of being a teenager, and it doesn't sound like you've got to be alarmed about him.
I'd definitely follow up about his sexual behavior. It would be best, of course, if he was not engaging in intercourse. But, since he appears to be, it's critical he use a condom. Whoever is in a position to discuss this with him should continue to do so. Adolescent hormones can interfere with straight thinking.
Communities
Ask a Doctor Forums
Tools and Applications
Personal Information
Medical Information
Doctors and Partners