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Divorce & Breakups Community
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husband left me.
by upperdownerinsideout, Nov 27, 2008 03:02PM
My husband dumped me after 18 years of marrage. I am sad and having trust issues. i feel lonely and like I can't talk to anyone about anything, even though I have many freinds who constantly ask me to please call and talk!
He didn't earn money for ten years nor did he complete any of his big projects he was doing instead of earning a living. He blames me for not supporting him emotionally, and yet refuses to acknowledge the ten years of effort and the support I provided that allowed him to not have to work a day-job, which would have also kept him from acheiving his dreams. He left me because he got the crazy idea in his head that he'll achieve them easier without me, but he needs my money to do so, since he isn't about to start working now when he's so close to making it.
Women divorce support groups seem to be all about kid issues and almony (getting it) issues, but we have no kids and I'm worried about paying alimony, not getting it.
I want him back every day. I can't take him back to let him treat me as an ATM either. He's not going to come back anyway. I want him to just come home and go back to the way things were. I greive every day over the loss of my best freind, my moral compass, my source of snuggles, my bedwarmer, my everything.
Any help or words of kindsness are welcome. Suggestions for people to call in London UK also appreciated.
He didn't earn money for ten years nor did he complete any of his big projects he was doing instead of earning a living. He blames me for not supporting him emotionally, and yet refuses to acknowledge the ten years of effort and the support I provided that allowed him to not have to work a day-job, which would have also kept him from acheiving his dreams. He left me because he got the crazy idea in his head that he'll achieve them easier without me, but he needs my money to do so, since he isn't about to start working now when he's so close to making it.
Women divorce support groups seem to be all about kid issues and almony (getting it) issues, but we have no kids and I'm worried about paying alimony, not getting it.
I want him back every day. I can't take him back to let him treat me as an ATM either. He's not going to come back anyway. I want him to just come home and go back to the way things were. I greive every day over the loss of my best freind, my moral compass, my source of snuggles, my bedwarmer, my everything.
Any help or words of kindsness are welcome. Suggestions for people to call in London UK also appreciated.
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upperdownerinsideout - I feel for you. 18 years is a long relationship to come to an end like this. You clearly still care for and love your husband, and are missing him badly. People who start posts on this board are frequently feeling hurt and upset, and emphasise the bad points that have led to a bad situation in their relationship, but most relationships have their good points too, and I'm sure yours did. If it didn't, it wouldn't hurt so much.
After saying all that, you seem pretty clear that it is over, that he is not going to come back. All you can do now is try and get through these tough times, the grieving over the loss of this marriage, eventually you will get past it and be able to move on with your life. It's not easy. Maybe, in time, you will meet someone else, but don't rush anything, your ability to trust has been (understandably) damaged, it will take time for that to repair.
Try to look forward, rather than dwelling on the past. Look to the new opportunities you have now. You can go where you want, when you want, without needing to take someone else into account, since you have no children. Now you are not supporting him you will have more money to spend on yourself. Get involved in some sort of hobby or sport. Distract yourself with fun stuff, rather than sitting around dwelling on what you have lost and cannot get back.
I haven't got any specific numbers you could call in London, but if you are finding it hard to open up to friends about this you could probably benefit from seeing a counsellor, there are plenty that specialise in this sort of thing and they are easier to talk to.
I've met very few evil men in my lifetime, and my STBX isn't one of them. The good times were the entire 18 years. Sure, we had occasional fights and disagreements, but weighing it out, I enjoyed his company so much that I let other relationships lapse in favour of spending more time with him. We each of us only have so many hours in a day, and spending those hours being around him was easy and much more relaxing than spending them without him. Alas, apparently he didn't feel the same way.
If you're that upset about men, you should consider cognitive behavior therapy to get down to the root of your anger and remove it. Men are much less different than you think they are, it's just they've got thier jiggly bits in different places.
Sammy,
You're so right. If he wasn't such a great guy, I'd be singin' and dancin' right now instead of moo-ing over him. I'm doing what you suggested; I've booked several holidays over the next two years and look forward to seeing and doing things I haven't done. I've enrolled in classes studying things I've always wanted to learn, and even though it's not that much fun right now, I still organize time with other people - going out to the movies and what not. But for example, right now I'm sitting at my computer (I work from home), and I'm not facing the mountain of work, I'm all moo-ey instead.
We're going to see a divorce counsellor next month. I'll see about getting some referrals to a CBT-type of therapy; I find talk therapy's lack of goals and direction about as frustrating as I found my husband's lack of goals and direction.
The scariest bit is the long nights (like tonight) alone. I don't like pubs, clubs, and bars, unless I'm going with a crowd that I like, and as I said to BeachWalker, I've stupidly got about zero relationships left outside of work (daytime), family (stateside), and the freinds I stayed in contact with from my single years (20+ years on and all stateside).
Cheers,
I'm not much of one for going out on my own either, except to a darkened cinema, so I can understand how you could find yourself lonely and at a loose end in the evenings. I hope the classes you're taking fill some of the evenings for you, and that they give you an opportunity to make new friends. In time, I'm sure you will get more local friends. For the other nights, try joining a DVD rental company such as LOVEFiLM (you can find deals for 1 month or even more for free) and renting some feelgood movies that will cheer you up - or whatever sort of film you enjoy but didn't watch very often before because your husband wasn't so into that genre.
I hope the laws protect your income from this guy who, I'm sorry, has been mooching off you and now is discarding you. He needs a wake-up call in his life.