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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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please dont be too harsh
by studiogirl, Nov 30, 2008 04:15AM
well I wasnt going to post on here anymore because things just seemed a little weird and I dont feel as though I "fit in" as strange and childish as that sounds. But I really do have nowhere else to turn too and so I am back and mostly just needing to vent about the latest mess I have gotten myself into.
I was sober for awhile but I wasnt following the aftercare program I had sworn i would do and so I eventually relapsed. I posted once during this relapse and got a lot of tough love comments that just kind of made me feel worse and that is partially why I just gave up on belonging here. Maybe I should have taken those tough love comments to heart instead of feeling singled out and hurt because the relapse just kept on growing full speed ahead. The worst part about it is I have been seeing two different doctors for opiates. Before anyone tells me their horror stories about how bad this can be, please dont because I am full aware. I did it anyway -- because it was so damn easy and because I have a full blown addiction that seems to take the place of reason and logic whenever I need it too,
So, the night before Thanksgiving I ran out of pills and promised myself I would deal with the withdrawals or maybe try going the sub route. I saw a doc that day about Sub but the price was $3000, even with my insurance assisting, so forget that. I began my cold turkey withdrawals which lasted about four hours (great willpower, right?).
So, I called up one of the docs and got him to write me out a prescription right as his office was closing by making some lame excuse why it couldnt wait until Monday. He told me to come by and pick up the scrip which I did and then I took it to the pharmacy.
I have kind of become friends with this pharmacist and she is a really nice lady. She was willing to fill it, even though it was obvious she was beginning to suspect I was doctor shopping. I think she wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt and me, I just wanted those damn pills. So she hesitantly filled it and I was getting ready to leave the store when it just hit me that she must know and maybe she was going to call my doctors. I mean I know all about the prescription monitoring program so I know she can find out what I have been up to, even if I have been at other pharmacies.
I turned back around and asked to speak with her privately and I told her everything. It was awful. SHe was understanding but harsh. Part of me was like "what the hell are you doing" and the other part of me was like "youve got to do this". So she made me give her back all the pills and we called one of my doctors right there at the pharmacy and came clean with him. The other one she is making me contact on Monday and she wants proof that I spoke to him or she is going to call him herself, On other note I work for a theatrical show in town and earlier in the month she had asked me to book her tickets. So after I told her all this she said she was worried about having given me her credit card info and show proof that I hadnt used it for anything more than to purchase her tickets.
God did I feel awful. I know in a way i did the right thing but I am so scared to tell the second doctor on Monday -- especially because he likes me and treats me so well and now I know he will treat me like she did -- with distrust and dislike and maybe even worse.
She said I have to get it together and I know she is right. I read posts from some of you that have been on here for awhile and maintained sobriety and I know you question why people like myself come on here one minute sober, the next minute not. Ive read from some of you that you think the "its okay, relapse is part of recovery" line is just another way to enable those of us that cant seem to get it together.
I dont know if you are right or wrong. I do know that Id rather not get beat up on for my most recent screw up because between the pharmacist, the doctors and myself Im getting it pretty good.
Im just scared and lonely and tired. I hate that I dont think I fit in anywhere and I hate that when I sober up I dont find as much joy in life as other people do. I want to feel that way, I dont want to be a constant complainer. Perhaps I just need to let more time take its turn before expecting to be happy again,
Either way, the withdrawals have begun. I have no time left to take off work and its the sleep thats killing me,
Because there will definitely be no more doctor or pharmacy visits and like my doctor said if I dont stop now, Iam going to die. I dont want to die and I do want to be like some of you on here celebrating many nmonths even years of sobriety.
I was sober for awhile but I wasnt following the aftercare program I had sworn i would do and so I eventually relapsed. I posted once during this relapse and got a lot of tough love comments that just kind of made me feel worse and that is partially why I just gave up on belonging here. Maybe I should have taken those tough love comments to heart instead of feeling singled out and hurt because the relapse just kept on growing full speed ahead. The worst part about it is I have been seeing two different doctors for opiates. Before anyone tells me their horror stories about how bad this can be, please dont because I am full aware. I did it anyway -- because it was so damn easy and because I have a full blown addiction that seems to take the place of reason and logic whenever I need it too,
So, the night before Thanksgiving I ran out of pills and promised myself I would deal with the withdrawals or maybe try going the sub route. I saw a doc that day about Sub but the price was $3000, even with my insurance assisting, so forget that. I began my cold turkey withdrawals which lasted about four hours (great willpower, right?).
So, I called up one of the docs and got him to write me out a prescription right as his office was closing by making some lame excuse why it couldnt wait until Monday. He told me to come by and pick up the scrip which I did and then I took it to the pharmacy.
I have kind of become friends with this pharmacist and she is a really nice lady. She was willing to fill it, even though it was obvious she was beginning to suspect I was doctor shopping. I think she wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt and me, I just wanted those damn pills. So she hesitantly filled it and I was getting ready to leave the store when it just hit me that she must know and maybe she was going to call my doctors. I mean I know all about the prescription monitoring program so I know she can find out what I have been up to, even if I have been at other pharmacies.
I turned back around and asked to speak with her privately and I told her everything. It was awful. SHe was understanding but harsh. Part of me was like "what the hell are you doing" and the other part of me was like "youve got to do this". So she made me give her back all the pills and we called one of my doctors right there at the pharmacy and came clean with him. The other one she is making me contact on Monday and she wants proof that I spoke to him or she is going to call him herself, On other note I work for a theatrical show in town and earlier in the month she had asked me to book her tickets. So after I told her all this she said she was worried about having given me her credit card info and show proof that I hadnt used it for anything more than to purchase her tickets.
God did I feel awful. I know in a way i did the right thing but I am so scared to tell the second doctor on Monday -- especially because he likes me and treats me so well and now I know he will treat me like she did -- with distrust and dislike and maybe even worse.
She said I have to get it together and I know she is right. I read posts from some of you that have been on here for awhile and maintained sobriety and I know you question why people like myself come on here one minute sober, the next minute not. Ive read from some of you that you think the "its okay, relapse is part of recovery" line is just another way to enable those of us that cant seem to get it together.
I dont know if you are right or wrong. I do know that Id rather not get beat up on for my most recent screw up because between the pharmacist, the doctors and myself Im getting it pretty good.
Im just scared and lonely and tired. I hate that I dont think I fit in anywhere and I hate that when I sober up I dont find as much joy in life as other people do. I want to feel that way, I dont want to be a constant complainer. Perhaps I just need to let more time take its turn before expecting to be happy again,
Either way, the withdrawals have begun. I have no time left to take off work and its the sleep thats killing me,
Because there will definitely be no more doctor or pharmacy visits and like my doctor said if I dont stop now, Iam going to die. I dont want to die and I do want to be like some of you on here celebrating many nmonths even years of sobriety.
love to you
i'm on day two of pain pill withdrawl. I haven't slept and I have a two month old that's been sleeping all night and a 4 year old that won't let me sleep tomorrow. I can't do thomas' detox plan bc sleeping all day isn't an option.
I know what it feels like to feel like you don't fit in anywhere. Props to you for doing what you needed to do. If I had a doctor that would fill scripts I'd make sure he knew he was my best friend.
YOU did the right thing
I think it is awesome that you basically handled the problem before you even left the pharmacy....especially with pills in hand.
Why would anyone beat you up over this? You totally did the right thing.
I really think that people who abuse opiates do soooooooooooooooooooooooo much damage to their brain (and of course the longer you been on pills, the more you do, the worse it is)....so i think after large amount of pills to the brain, your body naturally gets super depressed when you stop taking them...................----this is a proven fact.....sooooo, yeah i think u need to give it more time to feel happy and all spunked up like other people on here. Also, everyone is different.....u may take a year whereas someone else may take a month.
Give it time. Stay clean if u can. I know it's hard honey....but, you can do it!
Just out of curiosity, how long have u been on pills, whats your DOC and how many were u taking?
jt808 - I hope it gets bettter for you as well.
So back to my mor recent drama - I talked to the second doctor today on the phone and he was willing to discuss still keepin me on the pills. I swear i used to to think this hideous scar on my wrist was a blessing, but the truth is that it is a curse. Doctors just cant believe that it doesnt hurt like hell. They always want to medicate me. I told him no. He just thinks Im dependent, not an addict. He is wrong,
So,I am, going to visit them tomorrow and try to put this behind me., Atleast I wasnt arrested or anyhing.
btw i used to feel that i didnt belong here either when i first came here (and even a few times much later on) Now i just realize some people like me, some people dont. Big deal. Who in this world doesnt? Its not like you become friends with every person you encounter in your life. DOnt sweat the small stuff. You belong here as much as anyone does.
Studiogirl, we have all been there. We have all done things that we cannot take back. I literally spent my entire savings as well as my own daughters. I mean what kind of piece of **** mother does that??? I am still trying to get myself out of the whole I put myself in. And I knew it was getting worst and worst. But I didn't care. All I cared about was getting enough pills to last me the week. That is how I lived. I thought I would never be happy naturally again either. But you will. I promise. It takes a while to return to normal, but it will. And you will be happy you got there. Trust me...Make all that is happening now a thing of the past and a lesson learned. I am the queen of learning things the hard way...but I wouldn't change a thing. Because now I plan on going to school to become an addiction counselor. I want to help people like me who think there is no help out there....Anyway, take these events and use them to your advantage. You can turn your life around...trust me....
If you need anything, or want to chat, you PM me...ok..
I am here...
Lisa
lisa,eagle,ochooked, trouble & kim ~ Thank you soooooooooo sooooooooooo much for what you wrote above. They are really nice things to say and I appreciate that you believe in me and that I can do this.
All I can say is that I hope one day I can be there for all of you the way you have been there for me through this thread. This is really the only place I can go and actually feel better after discussing my addiction. It is usually the other way around and I feel worse. I think things have been cleared up with the doctor and the pharmacist.
I dont know if any of you have experienced being treated differently by someone when they find out your